It drives me crazy, how bad I want to wear my heart on my sleeve. But subconsciously I know that doing so would be too risky, better yet dangerous. I know love is a beautiful thing. And I hate that I have to associate love in such a derogatory manner. In reality, I love “ love “ I love to pour out love, I love seeing people happy and I love the creations that are formed out of love. But when it is placed in the hands of the wrong hands it can be a double edge sword.
When you come in contact with someone that feels entitled to love. Your precious love doesn’t look or feel so precious. It is expected. Therefore it is not appreciated in the entirety of what it is worth. At times your all may not seem like enough to a person. Your all can be the purest love, but if their cup is on the verge of being empty. Your pours will still leave them half full. Some people will look at you as if you are “ half-stepping them” when they were empty, to begin with. Perhaps if their cup was half full before your pour, the half they complain about would be full. Maybe if people actually took a step back. They would see that they were given more than they started with. But people are so entitled they are too ungrateful to see it.
And a person like me that is a natural-born lover would take the complainants as an inculcation to pour more.
Because when you care for people genuinely you want to see them happy. So I took the risk of having my cup lower than its required capacity. Only to realize that my cup got lower, but there’s didn’t get higher. It only appeared that way at the moment. As I emptied my cup, I realized that the people I poured into couldn’t retain my substance. They could not retain it because it didn’t belong to them. The seal that was needed didn’t quite fit their cup. Everyone has their own cup and their own seal. We all have access to the water, but not everyone is willing to pour it into their own cup. Most people wait for someone else to do it. Every interaction they are seeking to have their cup poured into.
People that refuse to pour into their own cup, never experience a genuine connection. Their love for others is simply measured by the amount they will receive from someone else’s cup.
God forbid if there’s not someone around to fill up their cup. That’s when problems arise. People with empty cups will demand to get their cups filled. Even if it means taking you away from the special moments in your life. They expect to be catered to on your birthday, graduation day, or any day that is made to be about you. God forbid you to turn them down they will plant guilt or behave in ways that will require you to give them attention. After a while, they begin to resent you. Perhaps even sabotage you.
But here you are being hated for putting yourself first.
That fear of being hated can really suck you in. It can make your stay in this vicious cycle longer than you need to be. Because lovers don’t like being surrounded by hate. It makes us uncomfortable. But fake love feels just as bad. The problem is we don’t realize there’s no real difference. So when I say I wish I can wear my heart on my sleeve. What I really mean is I wish didn’t have to be afraid to show how loving I am. I wish I didn’t feel like my big heart, will cause me to be attacked. That things would be better if people didn’t use my love against me. I hate feeling like I am too scared to let people know too much about me. The fears thinking that if confide in someone they will throw everything I said to them in my face later.
I don’t like having to hide what makes me happy to protect someone from trying to take it from me.
It saddens my heart that there are so many bitter, self-centered people in this world. That makes me feel like I am in the wrong world. It blows my mind that I felt I had to be bitter and mean to be safe. All these years I realized my shitty attitude and anger was my protector. I know now that my life has transformed when I chose peace. But then there are times when I come in contact with an individual that takes advantage of my easygoing spirit. And it makes me think, is it safe to let go? Will I be okay if I fully let go of my ugly aggressions?
When someone crosses the line and disrespects me. Why does it take so long to get over the fact that I had to take the high road? Why does it feel like I should show a person why they shouldn’t disrespect me? When will my triggers no longer affect me? I want to be free and wear my heart on my sleeve. But I’m scared it could be the end of me.
Maybe that’s far-fetched. it could just be the toxicity that I experienced from family, negative energy, and frenemies. But I just want to feel like wearing my heart on my sleeve can bring out the best in me.
I love this…people often take it for granted when you give them all your love. But that shouldn’t stop you from pouring out your love.
This is nice!
You’re absolutely right . I believe we shouldn’t stop either you have a point , I guess it’s all about being mindful of who you pour into .